10 Years
by PhonyPrincess
Summary: "It Was Like This For John MacTavish Everyday. Every Damn Day."
1. Wounded

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** So This Was Inspired By Ameij's Drawing "10 years". I actually cried. :'( Hope you like it.

**WARNING: **Contains Hurt/Comfort, Which May Upset Some.

* * *

10 years.

10 years of thinking one day, he might not come home to an empty bed. Hoping he'd come home to he sound of his favourite voice echoing through the air.  
Dreaming he'd be able to touch the soft skin he knew so well. It was like this everday for John MacTavish. Every _damn_ day.

The day usually started off with the rather loud sound of his alarm. He'd drag himself to the shower, then downstairs. Never smiling. After leaving the 141, his time wasn't devoted to the snaps of bullets, flashes of white & the long string of curse words. No, his time was devoted to nothing. He'd dreamed of something like this But, not quite like this. John dreamed of waking up to that same smile that usually greeted him every morning, the gentle hands curling around his waist in the afternoon & the rush of pleasure at night...all with the same person.

Obliviously to what day it wasJohn sat in front of the fire, staring into it. Something about the flicker of the flames calmed him. Erased all hurt, comforted him. His eyes pulled away, glancing at the hanging frame above the fireplace. His favourite picture. It was from his sisters wedding. He studied the picture, remembering how tight he held his lover. The Scotsman's broad smile reminded him how happy Simon made him. He was John again. He could feel the tears forming already. Deciding not to have a tear-fest he retreated into the shower again. He needed something to do.

Sitting under the hot spray of water, all he could think about was those 2 painful words "_what if?_". _What if I was there to stop Shepherd? Would Simon still be alive? Why did he have to go? Why not me?_ All the questions ringing through John's head. Constantly.  
He stepped out of the shower, towelling himself dry & changing. He had to get out. Anywhere that didn't give him memories of Simon.

Walking down the short roads of Thurso, his mind drifted to Simon yet again. Thankfully his phone rang. 'Price'. Muttering curse words he answered the phone.

"What?" His voice sounding 'fed-up'.

"Just checking in on you mate" Price knew his friend was fragile.

"Well...im fine" John sighed.

Before Price could reply, Soap hung up.

His feet took him to the pub down the road, he sat on one of the barstools and waited.

"What you havin'?" John looked up to see a young lass, Honey brown hair, glistening green eyes, she was in one word, beautiful. To John, she was just another broad. Nothing special. No Simon. Yet he replied, voice barely above a whisper.

"Scotch, smooth"

She grabbed a glass from behind & poured him a large. John grabbed his wallet to pay until she waved him off.

"This one's on the house, you look like you could use it" He barely smiled, but there was a slight smile.

He downed the drink & began fiddling around with the empty glass.

"On your own?"

Soap shrugged & carried on fiddling with the glass.

Without noticing Soap rested his head on the bar, staring at the wall. Waiting...

He wasn't sure how much time went by, but he was late. He was always late.

John's head slowly lifted and looked in his direction.

"Your'e late" He smiled.

He asked for 2 Scotch's this time. The bartender watched him, confused & sympathetic. Without question she poured two glasses.

"Thought you weren't coming" John pushed the drink towards him.

He took a gulp of the scotch, enjoying the taste.

"I've missed you" He asked quietly.

If only he could see what the others saw. It's like this for John MacTavish everyday. Every _damn_ day.

* * *

**Inspired By:**

- Ameij's Drawing "10 Years" On deviantart.

- The Song "Gortoz A Ran" By Denez Prigent ,Can Be Heard On The Credits To 'Black Hawk Down' (My Fav Movie, This Song Really Helped Me With This, It's Beautiful)

**John 'Soap' MacTavish & Simon 'Ghost' Riley Belong To Infinity Ward/Actvision. The Story Belongs To Me. Don't Steal.**

**REVIEW MR TANGO!**


	2. Ghost Of You

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Again, Based On Ameij's 10 Years Drawing, There's A New One On Her Site, I Actually Hate Her For Drawing It, Never Cried So Much In My Life!  
Anyways, It's Abit Rubbish, But Its Currently The Longest One I've Written!XD Enjoy Tangos! x

**WARNING:** Contains Yaoi, Male/Male Pairing.

**Pairing:** Soap/Ghost

* * *

Even after those 10 years of the same routine, things can change. For better, and worse.

Depression, can leave the person feeling, irritable, helpless, guilty & can sometimes lead to illusions or hopeless dreams.

His sister knew, his mother knew, hell even his ex team mates knew John wasn't well. Even after 10 years, emotions can really catch up on you. He'd never admit it though. To him, he was...'fine'.

9:00am in the morning & the appointment with his therapist was creeping up. Somehow, his mother had managed to convince him to go. He needed help &  
he was scared to admit it. His feet carried him to the wall where the calendar hung. Christmas day was sneaking along, oh how he hated christmas. Such a Scrooge. Christmas was Riley's favourite holiday, which didn't seem so since he looked like halloween 24/7. It was the snow. He loved the snow. Something about that cold white stuff, falling from the sky made him calm, at peace.

After going through several random & scary thoughts in his mind he found himself frozen infront of his destination. He felt a warm hand press against his back & a soft voice whisper,

_"Come on John, you can do it"_ He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and stepped forward into the building.

He sat down on the blue chairs outside the room. That room. That room where he'd let everything out. Everything he ever felt, that room would witness. His head jerked towards the wooden door opening, out stepped a woman, say early 30's by John's guess, he didn't care too much for her apprearence, only what she had to help him with.

"John MacTavish?" Her voice was a broad one, definatly a scottish highlander.

John stood up & walked into the room. It wasn't all that bad. Kind of cosy really, apart from the picture of a kitten in a garden pot...

"You can sit down" she laughed. He almost annoyingly sat on the red sofa, right next to the window, which had a rather pretty view of a lake. He fiddled his thumbs like a child ready for an exam, tapping his feet in a rhythm.

"No need to be nervous, im not gonna kill you" It's like she read his mind. If this were 10 years ago, he'd be at the stage of clutching his dog tags & whispering a hail mary, praying to live.

After a few minutes of learning that this red headed stranger was actually called Debbie, he felt slightly more relaxed. Well relaxed enough to actually listen without wanting to shoot her. John, sat as she read through everything they'd be doing, since when did therapists need to bombard you with pointless questions. Finally after boring him close to gouging out his own eyes, she explained John was in 'Depression', which to him was complete bullshit.

"Depression is normal for everyone who's lost someone close John. It's not easy, but we'll get there in time. It can leave people feeling irritable. Do you remember anytimes when you felt like that?"

John's mind wandered back to last night.

* * *

_"I tell you Cara, if he doesn't stop fucking looking at me, i swear i'll fucking kill him" John slurred, he was definatly drunk. As usual._

_"Just ignore him, he'll stop" Cara had met John a few weeks back, she first started working at the pub after her uncle bascially threatened the owner into giving her a job. Needless to say, she enjoyed it, John was always chatting to her, usually about back in the SAS, but she found it fascinating._

_"He's doing it again" She poured him another glass of scotch, begging it would take his attention away from the 6'4 man stood staring not at Soap but Cara._  
_I guess faith wasn't on her side because he continued staring, which pissed the Scot off._

_"Alright, thats it!" John stood up & stormed over to the man sat across the bar. Without warning his fist connected with the younger man's jaw._  
_Turning around he wasn't expecting to feel an arm wrap around his neck tightly. Cara screamed at the other man to let go. John elbowed the man in the stomach,_  
_causing him to let go. Trying to catch his breath, he felt his throat burning, coughing violently & being held upright by the honey haired bartender, he gathered his balence and sat on the seat behind him. Cara calmed him down whilst the current enemy was taken outside._

* * *

"No."

"Well have you ever felt helpless?"

"Thats a stupid question" John huffed.

"Just because your'e a man John, doesn't mean you can't feel helpless, like I said, its natural" She smiled at him reassuringly.

John stared at the floor as he muttered his words, stuttering occasionally.

"Well I guess...th...there...was this one...time, Jeeze, I don't know what the hell I was doing..."

* * *

_It was on record, 2 weeks after Riley & Sanderson's funeral. John layed curled up on the couch, blanket draped over him, flicking through channels. Sky Tv's magic would have to wait, because there was a perssitent knocking at the door. He stood up, walking slowly to the door, flicking the lock to find...Toad?_  
_Dripping wet from the freezing Thurso rain, he invited the sniper in for a brew. He placed the cup on the table, sitting next to his team mate._

_"So...how've ya been?" As soon as the words left his mouth he knew he'd just asked the stupiest question in the book._

_"Alright" his voice sounding tired...and hurt._  
_"Come on, I know i wasn't your best friend, but I mean when I say Im here if you ever wanna talk" He nudged his Captain, who gave a faint smile._

_"Thanks, but I think I'll stick to laying on the sofa 24/7."_

_"You know, It's nothing compared to losing what you have, but I lost my mom when I was 14. So I know how much it sucks"_

_"Im sorry."_

_"It's alright, been years now." He wrapped an arm around his boss._

_Soap looked up & his eyes locked with Toad's. Without warning the sniper leant forward & recieved no reaction until his lips were pressed with Soap's. For a minute, the CO had no clue what was going on. Only that his friends tongue was ravishing his mouth widly, without permission. John's hands pushed against the american's chest trying to escape from the kiss. Toad's hand's pulled the Scotsman's head closer, this naturally didn't sit well with Soap. Instead he recieved a backhand to the face. Jumping back with tear's in his eyes he pulled the sniper up dragging him to the door._

_"What the fuck did you think you were doing?"_

_"Im sorry, John please, don't be like this" his voice pleading._

_"Get the fuck away!" He slammed the door, flicked the lock, bolted it & put the chain on all in one quick movement. His head rested against the wood & he slid down against it. Head in hands, he had no idea what the fuck just happened._

* * *

"So this, 'Toad' kissed you? Well, how'd that make you feel?"

"I don't know, I...I guess...I hated it. But, a part of me...Can't believe Im saying this, a part of me wanted to carry on..."

"Maybe you missed the physical contact. Maybe when you closed your eyes, you thought of Simon?"

"I don't know. I swear if i'd have been there in Russia with him, none of this would be happening."

"But you weren't"

"Yeah, I figured that out long ago." He was starting to sound sarcastic. He was fed up of hearing the same bullshit all therapists blurt out.

"Have you ever felt guilty about it?"

"And this Is where I leave!" MacTavish stood up & stormed out. He knew she hit a sensitive spot, he just wouldnt say.

He lay in bed that night, his eyes closing for just a moment...

* * *

The soft press of someone straddling him made eyes shoot open. His gaze met Simon's. Those beautiful oceanic eyes he desperatly missed glittered. His hands traced down that soft pale skin which bathed in the moonlight. His hand's ran down to his hips. His words were a whisper.

"Touch me"

The brit wasted no time in caressing his lover's body with soft kisses, placed across his chest, neck up to his lips. Mactavish's tongue traces the outline of Riley's lips, politely asking for entrance, wish granted Riley returns the kiss as desperatly as he gives it. He can't live without John & the feeling is agonizingly mutual.  
The kiss breaks as Riley positions himself above his lover just at the right angle, he lowers himself onto Soap's hard on. He slids at an aching pace. John doesnt hold back a moan at the feel of the tight constricting heat. Its drawing him in, his sounds are more of desperation than pain.

"Simon, please..." He almost whispers, voice low.

The XO complies, moving swiftly & smoothly, filling himself with his lover beneath him, it feels so god damn perfect. He begins thrusting himself harder down, trying to line John up with that spot that would make this moment even more perfect.

Suddenly all those noises Simon's been making are replaced with an utterly stunning, utterly erotic moan of pleasure. Every part of John's body is set ablaze with the sounds coming from his lover...and this feeling. He knows his end is close. With his hands clinging to Riley's sweat slicked hips, he carefully brings him down hitting his prostate one final time, they both reach their climax, screaming the other's name, the way its always been. There's never been this kind of intense release with anyone else, ever.

With Simon, John's whole being just feels completely sated.

He withdraws from above John now, Soap wishing he didn't have to, wishing he could stay connected physically the same way he is, mentally & emotionally with him. He knows whats coming next.

Simon smiles and places a soft kiss on his lips, closing his eyes, hoping when he woke up he'd be there, he waited. Neither moves nor speaks for the longest moment.  
John opens his eyes, he misses him too much & it's like this every _damn_ night.

* * *

**Inspired By:**  
- Ameij's New "10 Years" Drawing On Her Site. - Lovely Reviewer's, Reviewing :D

**Credits:**

**Dunedain789:** *hugs back* Thankies, I Enjoy Hugs :) Stupid Picture, It Made Me Cry So Much!

**greenyfox:** Thanks. I Know, If They Kill Soap In MW3, I Will Be Pissed!

**Reeserella:** Thanks Lovely! :) I Try :)

**A Kiss For A Kill:** I Seem To Have A Talent For Writing Depressing Stories Apparently 0.o...Lol. The Pic Makes Me Very Sad...*sniff sniff*...

**xGhostxStealth:** Thanks :) Glad You Liked It Love :p

**TheBleeding:** Thankies :) Hope You Enjoed This One! :)

**xXdeathsangelXx:** THANKYOU :D hehe :)

**John 'Soap' MacTavish & Simon 'Ghost' Riley Belong To Infinity Ward. Cara & Debbie Belong To Me. Please Don't Steal :p **

**REVIEW MR TANGO!**


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